This crazy gift called life!

Your last picture foremost in my mind, Sweet smile and eyes filled with love. Thoughts of everything I long to experience with you, Floating through my mind. Loving you to distraction and Then cherishing you beyond measure. Being your first visual as your baby blue eyes open to greet the day. Kissing those perfect lips good morning.  Wrapping my arms around your body and Breathing in your sleep-heated scent. Loving you slowly and deeply... Beneath these blankets, A shield of love Keeping the hectic world at bay. Hearts quieting to beat as one, As we curl safely in the haven of each other’s arms.

Misting your cologne onto my naked chest, Loving the way it smells on my skin. Knowing the heat of my body Will send its scent drifting up Throughout the day... Teasing my nose... Leaving me in that state of sweetness-laced arousal Only you can cause. My pulse racing at the thought of you Softly nuzzling your face between my breasts To breathe in our mixed scents.

Cringing away from any other touch but yours. A sensation of nausea in the pit of my stomach With any contact. Fighting the urge to rub off their touch, To scrub it from my body. Longing to walk straight into your arms, To replace their repulsive touch  With the only one belonging on my skin.  Closing my eyes tightly, Counting my breaths to survive through it. My mind screaming that it’s wrong... I don’t want this. Curling into a ball after, Silently crying. Feeling violated and unclean.

Sadly watching you from across the room, Smiling bittersweetly as you interact with those around you. Aching to be next to you but, Knowing it is not my place. You are not mine. I must remind my possessive heart Each time you are near.. Your body...not mine to touch. Your lips...not mine to kiss. Your hand...not mine to hold. My soul chafing at these bindings. Its love not understanding You are out of reach. That it is unable to be wrapped around you At all times. Feeding my mind a steady barrage Of confusion and pain. With one last longing look, I turn and walk away. Finding an abandoned room, I quietly settle in amongst the shadows. Blending in to the surrounding grey.

Light blue eyes capture mine... My body freezes in place, Breath halting. Heartbeat stuttering to a faster cadence. All thought ceases... I await the wishes of my Master. Body softening, as I sink slowly to my knees. Lips parting slightly, As I gaze adoringly into his face. My only need looks down at me From those eyes. With a soft smile, I bow my head gracefully. My universe stands before me... And I await my destiny.

The greatest fear of a broken mind: Looking someone in the eye and realizing They now see you as you see yourself. Watching the thoughts flit across their faces As they think of all the time wasted... On someone who will never be enough. Your heart breaking because You dared hope, just this once, To be everything someone needed. Drawing back within yourself... Your emptiness reminding you why It’s best to remain a ghost... To never, ever, remove your mask.

Softly smiling as your arms Cocoon me from behind. Snuggling back against your warmth, Your strength surrounding me. Feeling the prickle of your whiskers As they tickle my cheek. The only place in the world I am truly safe, Is here. This is home. My smile slowly fading as I open my eyes To face the darkness... And the bittersweet realization that, Once again, ‘Twas but a dream within a dream.

My mind running on autopilot... Forcing me into numbness. My mask barely hiding the pain.  Checking my camouflage often in the mirror... Because I have ceased to be able to feel my expression change... My muscles tight from pretending.  Only emptiness stares back at me From grey-green eyes.  My burning pain is still concealed... The hole in my chest not visible.  I must carry on the charade until the room darkens,  The inky blackness of night will be the only witness to my true appearance.  To the desolation of being without my dream. 

Staring into the inky blackness of my room... Somehow oddly comforting... A visual numbness. No sounds to process... Only the whispering of breath And my faint, stuttering heartbeat. Body weak with exhaustion, I lay quietly. My mind wandering idly... To tired to reign it in As it strings together nonsensical things. Shrouded in heavy blankets but, Still chilled through. Pulling my nightshirt more closely around me, I watch the darkness slowly give way to light.

Curling up quietly in your chair, Soaking in your scent As the sounds of emptiness fill the room. Letting my thoughts of you loose for a bit. I am too weak to hold them back any longer. Silence surrounds me... No one here to witness my lapse... To see my tears. I quietly remove my mask, Allowing myself a few moments of weakness... To softly cry... To honestly show how much I miss your presence... How truly empty I feel without your touch. My soul wraps desperately around our tether, Vainly trying to gain comfort from this impenetrable loneliness. I slowly draw a shuddering breath, Intermission has ended... Once again I must don my mask.

Trying desperately to stay numb... To think only in minute increments... The mere basics to function. Counting each step... Each breath... To distract my attention. Knowing a night wrapped in Lonely thoughts of you awaits me... An endless playback of us... Of missing what I wish for so dearly. My tired soul curls around my aching heart... Knowing, eventually, my body Must become too exhausted to hurt. Pulling myself back to the daylight, I continue quietly filling my space in the world... Mask in place. Every chance meeting of your soft, blue eyes... Shattering my numbness to dust Proof to my sad soul that You will always be the only one for me.

Anxiety like a razor blade dispenser in my mind Endless scenarios running... Each more sharply painful than the last.  Idleness a deadly foe... Slowly gnawing away at my sanity.  Joints stiff with stress... Body aching with suppressed emotion. Desperately wishing for quiet... For solitude to release this pain... These aching tears. Craving the numbness following the catharsis... To let the exhaustion pull me under... To drift silently in the inky blackness.

My heart aching Body echoing with emptiness. Crystal tears coursing slowly  From green pools of regret. Why must I curse whatever I  touch? My smile a beautifully spun web  coated in sparkling drops of misery Drawing the unfortunate victim of my desire forward  for a plague-laced touch.  My husky laughter,  A fog of silent venom Slowly eating away at your life. My embrace a hidden briar’s nest Slowly tearing you apart. My love, mon amour? The kiss of death to your dreams. Living with the knowledge in my heart,  That I should be locked away... Knowing that the greatest danger to the one I love, Is myself.