This crazy gift called life!

Belonging no longer to yourself but to the one who holds your heart.  Each thought tinted with them.. With their needs and desires. Your drive in life becoming nothing  But to be everything they should ever require.  To spend your life in service to their happiness. To look up from your knees and See the light of contentment shining from their eyes.  Awakening each morning  To see the reason you breathe Nestled safely upon your chest.  And finishing each night  Loving them to exhaustion.

I don’t share who I am with others... The idea of me seems so fanciful... The day-to-day Anxiety-ridden reality of me Is a demon not easily handled. I keep wondering when I will finally Utter something that makes you bolt. It is odd to actually care at all What someone thinks of the real me, Let alone being as frightened as I am About slowly revealing my maskless face to you. I uncover each layer... Waiting for the recoil. Ready to remind myself that Pandora’s Box was never meant to be opened. People prefer the beauty without the Bruised and dented darkness that foils it. My ivory mask provides the illusion they seek... The rest of me was meant to remain in shadow.

Every time my gaze rests upon your face, I am met with emotions more beautiful than every sunrise  My eyes have viewed, combined. My body surviving not on air  But on the scent of your skin, Subconsciously breathing deeply when you are near To sustain itself. A chaotic mind humming with excitement at your thoughts but, Humbled by your ability to quiet it... Viewing you with such reverence. The quiet, frightened little girl inside of me, Embraced by your warm strength... For the first time ever, experiencing the feeling of safety. An imperfect body nurtured by your touch and desire Back to confidence. A scarred and battered soul,  Tethered to a loving home... Slowly restoring it to a version of its former glory.. Rekindling the light of hope.

What have I done?  Was my anxiety too much? I should have kept them hidden  Far away from discovery.  Your sweet words have vanished  From sight. I have searched frantically to find you again. Watching sadly as my research returns empty. Wracked with confusion,  My soul feels so lost.  Frightened to reach for our tether Fearing I might find it gone.  A heart that was so buoyant  Now deathly silent.  Rethinking each word I said... Wondering which wrong path I took.  So many thoughts I should not  Have whispered... They circle viscously in my mind... A billboard of my brokenness.  Staring into the mirror despondently wondering Why can I not just be normal? 

Sitting quietly in the cold Of a blustery day.  The wind unable to chill my body  Any further than my train of thought already has. Wondering numbly what my  Future holds. My heart has reached to the heavens... Choosing to love an angel that I’ve no hope of ever deserving. Nothing to do but wait silently  To see if this miracle could possibly come true. Remembering with quiet acceptance  The disappointment I’ve been to those around me... Never quite enough. Feeling the moisture drip onto my hand, I resolutely wipe the tears from my skin.  If he walked away, a person couldn’t blame him and, I could never in good conscience  Ask him to choose me... With the knowledge that,  Given a choice, I wouldn’t choose me either. 

Face lacking any outward appearance of my thoughts... My inner self curled tightly in a ball In the corner of my mind.  Arms caged around her waist and rocking quietly in sadness Anxiety sits a few steps behind her... Incessantly rattling off one snippet after another... A negative stream of consciousness. Tears fall silently down her face as she vainly tries covering her ears.  Knowing the tales Anxiety weaves are untrue.  Finally, whimpering in exhaustion, Her hands fall as her forehead drops to her knees in defeat.  Anxiety’s words slowly eating away at her Until she is trembling with the mere effort of breathing. Unaware of my battle,  People carry on obliviously around me.  Lost in a sea of humanity.. Alone and invisible.