This crazy gift called life!

Failure tightening my stomach  As I sink further onto my knees. My hands bound. The pleasure on your face not from me But, by your own hand.  My heart sinking as beautiful glistening pearlescent drops, To good for me, Drop to the floor in waste. My head hanging in shame As tears glisten on my cheeks. Watching you wipe away the sweet mark of your ownership  I would have given anything to have. Kneeling quietly, Lost in the shattering guilt of not serving your needs, As you turn and walk away.

Waking in the night,  As I do so often.  Staring into the inky darkness And missing the soft blue of your eyes. I quietly replay our every interaction on a loop in my mind. Closing my eyes, I reach out across our tether... As I have done countless times. When my eyes open,  My gaze alights on your sleeping form.  Stretched out on your side, The moonlight gilding your gorgeous chest and sweet face relaxed in slumber. Smiling softly at the snores rumbling in the air As I settle quietly on the floor next to you.  Reaching out, I stroke your cheek knowing you cannot feel me. I treasure these moments I spend near your side, Surrounded by your scent.  I feel the pull of my body and know sunrise is near... I must go. Closing my eyes as I lean forward and breathe you in, Whispering “I love you”, As I softly kiss you goodbye, My eyes reopen to the graying light of sunrise in my room.

Overwhelmed with the empty feeling of missing you, Inundated with the need to contact you constantly. Unsure of the boundary of love versus obsession... Normal versus whatever else these feelings could be. So completely immersed in us, I barely control the urge to drive nearer to you. I sometimes feel as if I’ve lost my sanity... Lost so deeply in visions of what our life would be, Reminders of reality send my soul curling tightly into itself...refusing to come out for days. And when it does, it follows longingly behind you every moment.  Aching to wrap around you but,  Filled with an agonizing uncertainty, It watches you quietly from a distance. Both of us pondering If a normal mind could love someone so much.

The grey clouds a mirror of my mood The cold mist falling echoing the feeling in my soul A hollow aching for what I know I am missing. You are mine but, yet, not Feeling like I am trapped within a glass case... So close but, unable to feel your life-giving touch Catching only glimpses of what life could be. Needing to be lost in your arms... To feel your heart beating against my chest. I cannot breathe without you... My soul sits curled in a hopeless ball... Hugging our tether so tightly, I worry it shall snap from the strain. I, however, can not bear to pull her away She seems so fragile... I fear she would shatter from the pain.

Am I more than a pretty face? More than a body you crave? Do you long for the quiet embrace of my arms as much as the claiming of my physical form? I admonish my mind for taking this path but, My demons will not be silenced. When my body has been bared of all mystery... Every inch of me conquered and the luster of the new wears... Will your need for me, Your use for me in your life, wane? Each new line on my skin pulls me farther from the beauty you adore. The mere thought of watching your need fade, Feels like slowly being bled of air... terminal suffocation.  Your love, your need for me is my oxygen.  Without them, without you, I am lost. 

My body is chilled without your heat, Skin crawling with the loneliness I feel. Aching to feel you wrap yourself around me. Unable to stand the presence of anyone who isn’t you... Hiding myself away in my bed.. Huddled in a lonely ball under the sheet. Needing the feel of your chest beneath my cheek Your soft kiss on my forehead... Telling me I’m safe. Feeling so frighteningly vulnerable When we are apart. The shield of your arms not here To protect me from what hurts... To quiet my mind. Your store-bought scent covering my body but,  It isn’t the same without your natural scent behind it. Burying my face in the pillow And letting the tears silently fall As I long to just sleep... Waking only when I can hold you again in my arms.

I ache to be all that you need but, I am bound so tightly by secrecy. Watching your thoughts slow with fatigue And your frustration ever increasing. Driven to calm you but, Unable to touch what does not belong to me. Feeling myself withdraw inward, Helplessness slowly eating away at my mind. Watching the one I love Suffer needlessly  While I wait, trapped In this glass prison... With everything your heart requires to find comfort sitting uselessly within me. Looking sadly through the crystal clarity of my bars, I try futilely to channel My warmth to your heart.