This crazy gift called life!

Feeling your arms wrap around me. Making the choice to steal a few selfish seconds for myself To forget about everything but the feel of you surrounding me. Ensconced in the dream that I am finally yours. Truly living the life I ache for, if only for a moment. Experiencing a quiet bout of euphoria. The feeling of elation slowly dying as  I am faced with unequivocal proof  That I am not yours.  Remembering why I do not allow myself to truly get lost in your arms. My mind whispering that I knew better. That I knew, to let go was to hurt. My heart quiets to a slow, lethargic rhythm,  Thoroughly chastised until the next time.

Closing myself off in my mind, Hiding from the loneliness constantly flitting on the edges of my consciousness.  Picturing your sweet smile To brighten my heart. Overcome with sadness That I cannot touch the center of my world. Curling quietly up in my blanket,  Reliving every word of our conversation.  Realizing how lucky I am  That you would even look my way. Wrapping my arms tightly around my waist  Paralyzed with the pain of missing you. Closing my eyes tightly, Wishing only for the morning and Another taste of your affection.

God, I hate watching you leave me. My heart shatters into a thousand pieces each time. It never hurts less or gets any easier. I want to grab your arm or chase your car down the street and beg you to take me with you. To let me be yours. Anything but to go back to feeling the complete emptiness that is my existence when we are apart. Hearing only muted sounds and seeing only faded colors. Being unable to catch my breath from the hole that seems to open in my chest. I want nothing more than to curl into a ball of misery and sleep until I am able to see your face again. Just listening to the pain circling in my mind. I live only for the sunrise now because it brings you back to me.

I never thought I would fall so deeply in love with someone that I would be fundamentally rewired. Everything has become about him. My life, my every breath, is his. I am so lost when we are apart...my body feels hollow and I can feel the tug of my soul leaving to be next to his side. The happiness of being his is overwhelming but, so is the pain and sadness. Everything is amplified. Crying everyday on the way home from the pain of being apart from him. Staring for hours into the dark, unable to sleep because I just want to stare at his face in my mind a little longer. The effects of his scent on my body. How his arms instantly quiet my anxiety. His love satiates me in a way I never thought existed. How the touch of anyone else makes me physically nauseated. The pain of knowing he cannot be mine. Decimated by thoughts of anyone else's touch on his smooth skin, tasting his masterful kisses, or experiencing his dominance. I ache to be marked as his and mark him as m...

What do you do when you feel something  infinitesimally slipping away? Worried, if you say anything, It will only degrade faster. So, you sit quietly, your heart breaking, As you watch the erosion of your only dream.  Your soul crumbling and falling Like sand trapped in an hourglass. Feeling yourself slip away  With each grain lost.

Not your touch... My body is screaming in protest. The foreign fingertips burning Like acid... Surely melting my skin from my body As penance for my betrayal. The invasion leaving my soul traumatized Each time. Curled tightly inward Shaking and nauseated. Aching to wash my betrayal From my skin... To watch the feelings of worthlessness Circle down the drain. Knowing each time the scars on my soul Thicken more and, eventually, Will suffocate me. Fearing, one day, You will see me for what I know I am... Trash... I am worthless trash Each time I must allow another to touch me. Repeatedly tainting the most precious Gift in my world... Your Love.

Failure tightening my stomach  As I sink further onto my knees. My hands bound. The pleasure on your face not from me But, by your own hand.  My heart sinking as beautiful glistening pearlescent drops, To good for me, Drop to the floor in waste. My head hanging in shame As tears glisten on my cheeks. Watching you wipe away the sweet mark of your ownership  I would have given anything to have. Kneeling quietly, Lost in the shattering guilt of not serving your needs, As you turn and walk away.

Waking in the night,  As I do so often.  Staring into the inky darkness And missing the soft blue of your eyes. I quietly replay our every interaction on a loop in my mind. Closing my eyes, I reach out across our tether... As I have done countless times. When my eyes open,  My gaze alights on your sleeping form.  Stretched out on your side, The moonlight gilding your gorgeous chest and sweet face relaxed in slumber. Smiling softly at the snores rumbling in the air As I settle quietly on the floor next to you.  Reaching out, I stroke your cheek knowing you cannot feel me. I treasure these moments I spend near your side, Surrounded by your scent.  I feel the pull of my body and know sunrise is near... I must go. Closing my eyes as I lean forward and breathe you in, Whispering “I love you”, As I softly kiss you goodbye, My eyes reopen to the graying light of sunrise in my room.

Overwhelmed with the empty feeling of missing you, Inundated with the need to contact you constantly. Unsure of the boundary of love versus obsession... Normal versus whatever else these feelings could be. So completely immersed in us, I barely control the urge to drive nearer to you. I sometimes feel as if I’ve lost my sanity... Lost so deeply in visions of what our life would be, Reminders of reality send my soul curling tightly into itself...refusing to come out for days. And when it does, it follows longingly behind you every moment.  Aching to wrap around you but,  Filled with an agonizing uncertainty, It watches you quietly from a distance. Both of us pondering If a normal mind could love someone so much.

The grey clouds a mirror of my mood The cold mist falling echoing the feeling in my soul A hollow aching for what I know I am missing. You are mine but, yet, not Feeling like I am trapped within a glass case... So close but, unable to feel your life-giving touch Catching only glimpses of what life could be. Needing to be lost in your arms... To feel your heart beating against my chest. I cannot breathe without you... My soul sits curled in a hopeless ball... Hugging our tether so tightly, I worry it shall snap from the strain. I, however, can not bear to pull her away She seems so fragile... I fear she would shatter from the pain.

Am I more than a pretty face? More than a body you crave? Do you long for the quiet embrace of my arms as much as the claiming of my physical form? I admonish my mind for taking this path but, My demons will not be silenced. When my body has been bared of all mystery... Every inch of me conquered and the luster of the new wears... Will your need for me, Your use for me in your life, wane? Each new line on my skin pulls me farther from the beauty you adore. The mere thought of watching your need fade, Feels like slowly being bled of air... terminal suffocation.  Your love, your need for me is my oxygen.  Without them, without you, I am lost. 

My body is chilled without your heat, Skin crawling with the loneliness I feel. Aching to feel you wrap yourself around me. Unable to stand the presence of anyone who isn’t you... Hiding myself away in my bed.. Huddled in a lonely ball under the sheet. Needing the feel of your chest beneath my cheek Your soft kiss on my forehead... Telling me I’m safe. Feeling so frighteningly vulnerable When we are apart. The shield of your arms not here To protect me from what hurts... To quiet my mind. Your store-bought scent covering my body but,  It isn’t the same without your natural scent behind it. Burying my face in the pillow And letting the tears silently fall As I long to just sleep... Waking only when I can hold you again in my arms.

I ache to be all that you need but, I am bound so tightly by secrecy. Watching your thoughts slow with fatigue And your frustration ever increasing. Driven to calm you but, Unable to touch what does not belong to me. Feeling myself withdraw inward, Helplessness slowly eating away at my mind. Watching the one I love Suffer needlessly  While I wait, trapped In this glass prison... With everything your heart requires to find comfort sitting uselessly within me. Looking sadly through the crystal clarity of my bars, I try futilely to channel My warmth to your heart.

Jerking awake, Your words echoing in my mind.. “You’re too much...I can’t do this anymore” Words I never thought to be directed my way, After a lifetime of the opposite.  My body shaking with silent tears As the remnants of the dream’s emotions ravage my mind.  Knowing it was only a dream but, A very real fear. You have created something in me I am unable to control... If I cannot reign it in to stop it from overwhelming me, How can I ever hope to protect you from being overrun? The constant need for physical touch and emotional reassurance... You may soon weary of being its sole subject of focus.  Quietly reflecting on the results... Knowing it will have no choice But to turn inward and slowly destroy me.  Undecided which is more tragic... To never be enough or always be too much.

As I watch your form fading with distance, My heart aches with loneliness.  I long to follow you And bring you back to my side.  Needing so desperately to have you in my life... But knowing the choice is beyond my control... You are not yet mine.  My body rebelling as I turn to Take the steps that lead me opposite your path. My soul crying quietly As I bite my lip to stop from calling out your name And begging you not to leave.  Please do not leave me alone In the quiet hell the world becomes when you are gone.  After all of this time... I should be accustomed to the way the vibrant colors dim  at your parting... And the sounds of the world Become muted.  As I follow my own path... The chill that always accompanies Our separation settles deeply in my chest. I will quietly wait for the darkness to pass And in the morning you, my sun, Shall warm me again.

Slipping away into the quiet of the darkness... Soft footfalls barely disturbing the night.  Disappearing into the shadows Needing solace from the chaos of life. The world sleeps on peacefully, Oblivious to my escape.  Leaving my angel a heartfelt note... Promising my destination will soon be shared... hoping someday to feel his arms around me once again... Quietly clearing my tears and holding his shirt against my skin, I set my sights on a random location... Perhaps the ocean since it mirrors your beautiful blue eyes. My only guideline... Someplace I am not known.  Taking only a desperate need for solitude and  The future hope of love to sustain my tired soul.  It seems I must wander again.

Your body pressed against mine, Feeling your heat soak into my skin. Smiling softly as I look down, Seeing your sweet face pillowed on my chest. Running my fingers idly through your hair... Your breath ghosting across my breasts, As the quiet cadence of your heartbeat Tattoos my skin. Quiet noises fall from your lips And I wonder who visits your dreams. Your arm tightening fractionally around my waist, Pulling my body closer. Kissing your forehead gently, I hear you sigh as your form settles More deeply into slumber. Cuddling you closely... Thinking serenely that This is where I was always meant to be.

Daydreaming lazily... Idly caressing your skin Soft, slumberous kisses As we drift along the fringes of sleep.  Your rumbling voice talking quietly  And the softness of your chest hair tickling my cheek Threading my fingers through Yours... Feeling the capable strength of your hands... Yet knowing how gently you handle my fragile soul.. A quiet pride for the  Amazing man that you are lingers in my mind. Smiling gently up at you As your words drift off to nothing... Cuddling my sleeping angel closer.  My own heaven on Earth. 

Belonging no longer to yourself but to the one who holds your heart.  Each thought tinted with them.. With their needs and desires. Your drive in life becoming nothing  But to be everything they should ever require.  To spend your life in service to their happiness. To look up from your knees and See the light of contentment shining from their eyes.  Awakening each morning  To see the reason you breathe Nestled safely upon your chest.  And finishing each night  Loving them to exhaustion.

I don’t share who I am with others... The idea of me seems so fanciful... The day-to-day Anxiety-ridden reality of me Is a demon not easily handled. I keep wondering when I will finally Utter something that makes you bolt. It is odd to actually care at all What someone thinks of the real me, Let alone being as frightened as I am About slowly revealing my maskless face to you. I uncover each layer... Waiting for the recoil. Ready to remind myself that Pandora’s Box was never meant to be opened. People prefer the beauty without the Bruised and dented darkness that foils it. My ivory mask provides the illusion they seek... The rest of me was meant to remain in shadow.