This crazy gift called life!

The grey clouds a mirror of my mood The cold mist falling echoing the feeling in my soul A hollow aching for what I know I am missing. You are mine but, yet, not Feeling like I am trapped within a glass case... So close but, unable to feel your life-giving touch Catching only glimpses of what life could be. Needing to be lost in your arms... To feel your heart beating against my chest. I cannot breathe without you... My soul sits curled in a hopeless ball... Hugging our tether so tightly, I worry it shall snap from the strain. I, however, can not bear to pull her away She seems so fragile... I fear she would shatter from the pain.

Am I more than a pretty face? More than a body you crave? Do you long for the quiet embrace of my arms as much as the claiming of my physical form? I admonish my mind for taking this path but, My demons will not be silenced. When my body has been bared of all mystery... Every inch of me conquered and the luster of the new wears... Will your need for me, Your use for me in your life, wane? Each new line on my skin pulls me farther from the beauty you adore. The mere thought of watching your need fade, Feels like slowly being bled of air... terminal suffocation.  Your love, your need for me is my oxygen.  Without them, without you, I am lost. 

My body is chilled without your heat, Skin crawling with the loneliness I feel. Aching to feel you wrap yourself around me. Unable to stand the presence of anyone who isn’t you... Hiding myself away in my bed.. Huddled in a lonely ball under the sheet. Needing the feel of your chest beneath my cheek Your soft kiss on my forehead... Telling me I’m safe. Feeling so frighteningly vulnerable When we are apart. The shield of your arms not here To protect me from what hurts... To quiet my mind. Your store-bought scent covering my body but,  It isn’t the same without your natural scent behind it. Burying my face in the pillow And letting the tears silently fall As I long to just sleep... Waking only when I can hold you again in my arms.

I ache to be all that you need but, I am bound so tightly by secrecy. Watching your thoughts slow with fatigue And your frustration ever increasing. Driven to calm you but, Unable to touch what does not belong to me. Feeling myself withdraw inward, Helplessness slowly eating away at my mind. Watching the one I love Suffer needlessly  While I wait, trapped In this glass prison... With everything your heart requires to find comfort sitting uselessly within me. Looking sadly through the crystal clarity of my bars, I try futilely to channel My warmth to your heart.

Jerking awake, Your words echoing in my mind.. “You’re too much...I can’t do this anymore” Words I never thought to be directed my way, After a lifetime of the opposite.  My body shaking with silent tears As the remnants of the dream’s emotions ravage my mind.  Knowing it was only a dream but, A very real fear. You have created something in me I am unable to control... If I cannot reign it in to stop it from overwhelming me, How can I ever hope to protect you from being overrun? The constant need for physical touch and emotional reassurance... You may soon weary of being its sole subject of focus.  Quietly reflecting on the results... Knowing it will have no choice But to turn inward and slowly destroy me.  Undecided which is more tragic... To never be enough or always be too much.

As I watch your form fading with distance, My heart aches with loneliness.  I long to follow you And bring you back to my side.  Needing so desperately to have you in my life... But knowing the choice is beyond my control... You are not yet mine.  My body rebelling as I turn to Take the steps that lead me opposite your path. My soul crying quietly As I bite my lip to stop from calling out your name And begging you not to leave.  Please do not leave me alone In the quiet hell the world becomes when you are gone.  After all of this time... I should be accustomed to the way the vibrant colors dim  at your parting... And the sounds of the world Become muted.  As I follow my own path... The chill that always accompanies Our separation settles deeply in my chest. I will quietly wait for the darkness to pass And in the morning you, my sun, Shall warm me again.

Slipping away into the quiet of the darkness... Soft footfalls barely disturbing the night.  Disappearing into the shadows Needing solace from the chaos of life. The world sleeps on peacefully, Oblivious to my escape.  Leaving my angel a heartfelt note... Promising my destination will soon be shared... hoping someday to feel his arms around me once again... Quietly clearing my tears and holding his shirt against my skin, I set my sights on a random location... Perhaps the ocean since it mirrors your beautiful blue eyes. My only guideline... Someplace I am not known.  Taking only a desperate need for solitude and  The future hope of love to sustain my tired soul.  It seems I must wander again.