This crazy gift called life!

Closing myself off in my mind, Hiding from the loneliness constantly flitting on the edges of my consciousness.  Picturing your sweet smile To brighten my heart. Overcome with sadness That I cannot touch the center of my world. Curling quietly up in my blanket,  Reliving every word of our conversation.  Realizing how lucky I am  That you would even look my way. Wrapping my arms tightly around my waist  Paralyzed with the pain of missing you. Closing my eyes tightly, Wishing only for the morning and Another taste of your affection.

God, I hate watching you leave me. My heart shatters into a thousand pieces each time. It never hurts less or gets any easier. I want to grab your arm or chase your car down the street and beg you to take me with you. To let me be yours. Anything but to go back to feeling the complete emptiness that is my existence when we are apart. Hearing only muted sounds and seeing only faded colors. Being unable to catch my breath from the hole that seems to open in my chest. I want nothing more than to curl into a ball of misery and sleep until I am able to see your face again. Just listening to the pain circling in my mind. I live only for the sunrise now because it brings you back to me.

I never thought I would fall so deeply in love with someone that I would be fundamentally rewired. Everything has become about him. My life, my every breath, is his. I am so lost when we are apart...my body feels hollow and I can feel the tug of my soul leaving to be next to his side. The happiness of being his is overwhelming but, so is the pain and sadness. Everything is amplified. Crying everyday on the way home from the pain of being apart from him. Staring for hours into the dark, unable to sleep because I just want to stare at his face in my mind a little longer. The effects of his scent on my body. How his arms instantly quiet my anxiety. His love satiates me in a way I never thought existed. How the touch of anyone else makes me physically nauseated. The pain of knowing he cannot be mine. Decimated by thoughts of anyone else's touch on his smooth skin, tasting his masterful kisses, or experiencing his dominance. I ache to be marked as his and mark him as m

What do you do when you feel something  infinitesimally slipping away? Worried, if you say anything, It will only degrade faster. So, you sit quietly, your heart breaking, As you watch the erosion of your only dream.  Your soul crumbling and falling Like sand trapped in an hourglass. Feeling yourself slip away  With each grain lost.

Not your touch... My body is screaming in protest. The foreign fingertips burning Like acid... Surely melting my skin from my body As penance for my betrayal. The invasion leaving my soul traumatized Each time. Curled tightly inward Shaking and nauseated. Aching to wash my betrayal From my skin... To watch the feelings of worthlessness Circle down the drain. Knowing each time the scars on my soul Thicken more and, eventually, Will suffocate me. Fearing, one day, You will see me for what I know I am... Trash... I am worthless trash Each time I must allow another to touch me. Repeatedly tainting the most precious Gift in my world... Your Love.

Failure tightening my stomach  As I sink further onto my knees. My hands bound. The pleasure on your face not from me But, by your own hand.  My heart sinking as beautiful glistening pearlescent drops, To good for me, Drop to the floor in waste. My head hanging in shame As tears glisten on my cheeks. Watching you wipe away the sweet mark of your ownership  I would have given anything to have. Kneeling quietly, Lost in the shattering guilt of not serving your needs, As you turn and walk away.

Waking in the night,  As I do so often.  Staring into the inky darkness And missing the soft blue of your eyes. I quietly replay our every interaction on a loop in my mind. Closing my eyes, I reach out across our tether... As I have done countless times. When my eyes open,  My gaze alights on your sleeping form.  Stretched out on your side, The moonlight gilding your gorgeous chest and sweet face relaxed in slumber. Smiling softly at the snores rumbling in the air As I settle quietly on the floor next to you.  Reaching out, I stroke your cheek knowing you cannot feel me. I treasure these moments I spend near your side, Surrounded by your scent.  I feel the pull of my body and know sunrise is near... I must go. Closing my eyes as I lean forward and breathe you in, Whispering “I love you”, As I softly kiss you goodbye, My eyes reopen to the graying light of sunrise in my room.

Overwhelmed with the empty feeling of missing you, Inundated with the need to contact you constantly. Unsure of the boundary of love versus obsession... Normal versus whatever else these feelings could be. So completely immersed in us, I barely control the urge to drive nearer to you. I sometimes feel as if I’ve lost my sanity... Lost so deeply in visions of what our life would be, Reminders of reality send my soul curling tightly into itself...refusing to come out for days. And when it does, it follows longingly behind you every moment.  Aching to wrap around you but,  Filled with an agonizing uncertainty, It watches you quietly from a distance. Both of us pondering If a normal mind could love someone so much.