This crazy gift called life!

The grey clouds a mirror of my mood The cold mist falling echoing the feeling in my soul A hollow aching for what I know I am missing. You are mine but, yet, not Feeling like I am trapped within a glass case... So close but, unable to feel your life-giving touch Catching only glimpses of what life could be. Needing to be lost in your arms... To feel your heart beating against my chest. I cannot breathe without you... My soul sits curled in a hopeless ball... Hugging our tether so tightly, I worry it shall snap from the strain. I, however, can not bear to pull her away She seems so fragile... I fear she would shatter from the pain.

Am I more than a pretty face? More than a body you crave? Do you long for the quiet embrace of my arms as much as the claiming of my physical form? I admonish my mind for taking this path but, My demons will not be silenced. When my body has been bared of all mystery... Every inch of me conquered and the luster of the new wears... Will your need for me, Your use for me in your life, wane? Each new line on my skin pulls me farther from the beauty you adore. The mere thought of watching your need fade, Feels like slowly being bled of air... terminal suffocation.  Your love, your need for me is my oxygen.  Without them, without you, I am lost. 

My body is chilled without your heat, Skin crawling with the loneliness I feel. Aching to feel you wrap yourself around me. Unable to stand the presence of anyone who isn’t you... Hiding myself away in my bed.. Huddled in a lonely ball under the sheet. Needing the feel of your chest beneath my cheek Your soft kiss on my forehead... Telling me I’m safe. Feeling so frighteningly vulnerable When we are apart. The shield of your arms not here To protect me from what hurts... To quiet my mind. Your store-bought scent covering my body but,  It isn’t the same without your natural scent behind it. Burying my face in the pillow And letting the tears silently fall As I long to just sleep... Waking only when I can hold you again in my arms.

I ache to be all that you need but, I am bound so tightly by secrecy. Watching your thoughts slow with fatigue And your frustration ever increasing. Driven to calm you but, Unable to touch what does not belong to me. Feeling myself withdraw inward, Helplessness slowly eating away at my mind. Watching the one I love Suffer needlessly  While I wait, trapped In this glass prison... With everything your heart requires to find comfort sitting uselessly within me. Looking sadly through the crystal clarity of my bars, I try futilely to channel My warmth to your heart.

Jerking awake, Your words echoing in my mind.. “You’re too much...I can’t do this anymore” Words I never thought to be directed my way, After a lifetime of the opposite.  My body shaking with silent tears As the remnants of the dream’s emotions ravage my mind.  Knowing it was only a dream but, A very real fear. You have created something in me I am unable to control... If I cannot reign it in to stop it from overwhelming me, How can I ever hope to protect you from being overrun? The constant need for physical touch and emotional reassurance... You may soon weary of being its sole subject of focus.  Quietly reflecting on the results... Knowing it will have no choice But to turn inward and slowly destroy me.  Undecided which is more tragic... To never be enough or always be too much.

As I watch your form fading with distance, My heart aches with loneliness.  I long to follow you And bring you back to my side.  Needing so desperately to have you in my life... But knowing the choice is beyond my control... You are not yet mine.  My body rebelling as I turn to Take the steps that lead me opposite your path. My soul crying quietly As I bite my lip to stop from calling out your name And begging you not to leave.  Please do not leave me alone In the quiet hell the world becomes when you are gone.  After all of this time... I should be accustomed to the way the vibrant colors dim  at your parting... And the sounds of the world Become muted.  As I follow my own path... The chill that always accompanies Our separation settles deeply in my chest. I will quietly wait for the darkness to pass And in the morning you, my sun, Shall warm me again.

Slipping away into the quiet of the darkness... Soft footfalls barely disturbing the night.  Disappearing into the shadows Needing solace from the chaos of life. The world sleeps on peacefully, Oblivious to my escape.  Leaving my angel a heartfelt note... Promising my destination will soon be shared... hoping someday to feel his arms around me once again... Quietly clearing my tears and holding his shirt against my skin, I set my sights on a random location... Perhaps the ocean since it mirrors your beautiful blue eyes. My only guideline... Someplace I am not known.  Taking only a desperate need for solitude and  The future hope of love to sustain my tired soul.  It seems I must wander again.

Your body pressed against mine, Feeling your heat soak into my skin. Smiling softly as I look down, Seeing your sweet face pillowed on my chest. Running my fingers idly through your hair... Your breath ghosting across my breasts, As the quiet cadence of your heartbeat Tattoos my skin. Quiet noises fall from your lips And I wonder who visits your dreams. Your arm tightening fractionally around my waist, Pulling my body closer. Kissing your forehead gently, I hear you sigh as your form settles More deeply into slumber. Cuddling you closely... Thinking serenely that This is where I was always meant to be.

Daydreaming lazily... Idly caressing your skin Soft, slumberous kisses As we drift along the fringes of sleep.  Your rumbling voice talking quietly  And the softness of your chest hair tickling my cheek Threading my fingers through Yours... Feeling the capable strength of your hands... Yet knowing how gently you handle my fragile soul.. A quiet pride for the  Amazing man that you are lingers in my mind. Smiling gently up at you As your words drift off to nothing... Cuddling my sleeping angel closer.  My own heaven on Earth. 

Belonging no longer to yourself but to the one who holds your heart.  Each thought tinted with them.. With their needs and desires. Your drive in life becoming nothing  But to be everything they should ever require.  To spend your life in service to their happiness. To look up from your knees and See the light of contentment shining from their eyes.  Awakening each morning  To see the reason you breathe Nestled safely upon your chest.  And finishing each night  Loving them to exhaustion.

I don’t share who I am with others... The idea of me seems so fanciful... The day-to-day Anxiety-ridden reality of me Is a demon not easily handled. I keep wondering when I will finally Utter something that makes you bolt. It is odd to actually care at all What someone thinks of the real me, Let alone being as frightened as I am About slowly revealing my maskless face to you. I uncover each layer... Waiting for the recoil. Ready to remind myself that Pandora’s Box was never meant to be opened. People prefer the beauty without the Bruised and dented darkness that foils it. My ivory mask provides the illusion they seek... The rest of me was meant to remain in shadow.

Every time my gaze rests upon your face, I am met with emotions more beautiful than every sunrise  My eyes have viewed, combined. My body surviving not on air  But on the scent of your skin, Subconsciously breathing deeply when you are near To sustain itself. A chaotic mind humming with excitement at your thoughts but, Humbled by your ability to quiet it... Viewing you with such reverence. The quiet, frightened little girl inside of me, Embraced by your warm strength... For the first time ever, experiencing the feeling of safety. An imperfect body nurtured by your touch and desire Back to confidence. A scarred and battered soul,  Tethered to a loving home... Slowly restoring it to a version of its former glory.. Rekindling the light of hope.

What have I done?  Was my anxiety too much? I should have kept them hidden  Far away from discovery.  Your sweet words have vanished  From sight. I have searched frantically to find you again. Watching sadly as my research returns empty. Wracked with confusion,  My soul feels so lost.  Frightened to reach for our tether Fearing I might find it gone.  A heart that was so buoyant  Now deathly silent.  Rethinking each word I said... Wondering which wrong path I took.  So many thoughts I should not  Have whispered... They circle viscously in my mind... A billboard of my brokenness.  Staring into the mirror despondently wondering Why can I not just be normal? 

Sitting quietly in the cold Of a blustery day.  The wind unable to chill my body  Any further than my train of thought already has. Wondering numbly what my  Future holds. My heart has reached to the heavens... Choosing to love an angel that I’ve no hope of ever deserving. Nothing to do but wait silently  To see if this miracle could possibly come true. Remembering with quiet acceptance  The disappointment I’ve been to those around me... Never quite enough. Feeling the moisture drip onto my hand, I resolutely wipe the tears from my skin.  If he walked away, a person couldn’t blame him and, I could never in good conscience  Ask him to choose me... With the knowledge that,  Given a choice, I wouldn’t choose me either. 

Face lacking any outward appearance of my thoughts... My inner self curled tightly in a ball In the corner of my mind.  Arms caged around her waist and rocking quietly in sadness Anxiety sits a few steps behind her... Incessantly rattling off one snippet after another... A negative stream of consciousness. Tears fall silently down her face as she vainly tries covering her ears.  Knowing the tales Anxiety weaves are untrue.  Finally, whimpering in exhaustion, Her hands fall as her forehead drops to her knees in defeat.  Anxiety’s words slowly eating away at her Until she is trembling with the mere effort of breathing. Unaware of my battle,  People carry on obliviously around me.  Lost in a sea of humanity.. Alone and invisible.

The nights without you Stretch before me... Interminably long.  Replaying your words in my mind, Reliving our conversations. Aching to softly stroke your warm skin with my fingertips.  To feel your your cheek pressed Against my chest.  Wanting to look into your soft, blue eyes Full of love for me. To softly kiss those perfect lips, Feeding my addiction.  My mind keeps quietly repeating one phrase... I love you, Mine. 

What have I done?  Was my anxiety too much? I should have kept them hidden  Far away from discovery.  Your sweet words have vanished  From sight. I have searched frantically to find you again. Watching sadly as my research returns empty. Wracked with confusion,  My soul feels so lost.  Frightened to reach for our tether Fearing I might find it gone.  A heart that was so buoyant  Now deathly silent.  Rethinking each word I said... Wondering which wrong path I took.  So many thoughts I should not  Have whispered... They circle viscously in my mind... A billboard of my brokenness.  Staring into the mirror  despondently wondering Why can I not just be normal? 

Your last picture foremost in my mind, Sweet smile and eyes filled with love. Thoughts of everything I long to experience with you, Floating through my mind. Loving you to distraction and Then cherishing you beyond measure. Being your first visual as your baby blue eyes open to greet the day. Kissing those perfect lips good morning.  Wrapping my arms around your body and Breathing in your sleep-heated scent. Loving you slowly and deeply... Beneath these blankets, A shield of love Keeping the hectic world at bay. Hearts quieting to beat as one, As we curl safely in the haven of each other’s arms.

Misting your cologne onto my naked chest, Loving the way it smells on my skin. Knowing the heat of my body Will send its scent drifting up Throughout the day... Teasing my nose... Leaving me in that state of sweetness-laced arousal Only you can cause. My pulse racing at the thought of you Softly nuzzling your face between my breasts To breathe in our mixed scents.

Cringing away from any other touch but yours. A sensation of nausea in the pit of my stomach With any contact. Fighting the urge to rub off their touch, To scrub it from my body. Longing to walk straight into your arms, To replace their repulsive touch  With the only one belonging on my skin.  Closing my eyes tightly, Counting my breaths to survive through it. My mind screaming that it’s wrong... I don’t want this. Curling into a ball after, Silently crying. Feeling violated and unclean.

Sadly watching you from across the room, Smiling bittersweetly as you interact with those around you. Aching to be next to you but, Knowing it is not my place. You are not mine. I must remind my possessive heart Each time you are near.. Your body...not mine to touch. Your lips...not mine to kiss. Your hand...not mine to hold. My soul chafing at these bindings. Its love not understanding You are out of reach. That it is unable to be wrapped around you At all times. Feeding my mind a steady barrage Of confusion and pain. With one last longing look, I turn and walk away. Finding an abandoned room, I quietly settle in amongst the shadows. Blending in to the surrounding grey.

Light blue eyes capture mine... My body freezes in place, Breath halting. Heartbeat stuttering to a faster cadence. All thought ceases... I await the wishes of my Master. Body softening, as I sink slowly to my knees. Lips parting slightly, As I gaze adoringly into his face. My only need looks down at me From those eyes. With a soft smile, I bow my head gracefully. My universe stands before me... And I await my destiny.

The greatest fear of a broken mind: Looking someone in the eye and realizing They now see you as you see yourself. Watching the thoughts flit across their faces As they think of all the time wasted... On someone who will never be enough. Your heart breaking because You dared hope, just this once, To be everything someone needed. Drawing back within yourself... Your emptiness reminding you why It’s best to remain a ghost... To never, ever, remove your mask.

Softly smiling as your arms Cocoon me from behind. Snuggling back against your warmth, Your strength surrounding me. Feeling the prickle of your whiskers As they tickle my cheek. The only place in the world I am truly safe, Is here. This is home. My smile slowly fading as I open my eyes To face the darkness... And the bittersweet realization that, Once again, ‘Twas but a dream within a dream.

My mind running on autopilot... Forcing me into numbness. My mask barely hiding the pain.  Checking my camouflage often in the mirror... Because I have ceased to be able to feel my expression change... My muscles tight from pretending.  Only emptiness stares back at me From grey-green eyes.  My burning pain is still concealed... The hole in my chest not visible.  I must carry on the charade until the room darkens,  The inky blackness of night will be the only witness to my true appearance.  To the desolation of being without my dream. 

Staring into the inky blackness of my room... Somehow oddly comforting... A visual numbness. No sounds to process... Only the whispering of breath And my faint, stuttering heartbeat. Body weak with exhaustion, I lay quietly. My mind wandering idly... To tired to reign it in As it strings together nonsensical things. Shrouded in heavy blankets but, Still chilled through. Pulling my nightshirt more closely around me, I watch the darkness slowly give way to light.

Curling up quietly in your chair, Soaking in your scent As the sounds of emptiness fill the room. Letting my thoughts of you loose for a bit. I am too weak to hold them back any longer. Silence surrounds me... No one here to witness my lapse... To see my tears. I quietly remove my mask, Allowing myself a few moments of weakness... To softly cry... To honestly show how much I miss your presence... How truly empty I feel without your touch. My soul wraps desperately around our tether, Vainly trying to gain comfort from this impenetrable loneliness. I slowly draw a shuddering breath, Intermission has ended... Once again I must don my mask.

Trying desperately to stay numb... To think only in minute increments... The mere basics to function. Counting each step... Each breath... To distract my attention. Knowing a night wrapped in Lonely thoughts of you awaits me... An endless playback of us... Of missing what I wish for so dearly. My tired soul curls around my aching heart... Knowing, eventually, my body Must become too exhausted to hurt. Pulling myself back to the daylight, I continue quietly filling my space in the world... Mask in place. Every chance meeting of your soft, blue eyes... Shattering my numbness to dust Proof to my sad soul that You will always be the only one for me.

Anxiety like a razor blade dispenser in my mind Endless scenarios running... Each more sharply painful than the last.  Idleness a deadly foe... Slowly gnawing away at my sanity.  Joints stiff with stress... Body aching with suppressed emotion. Desperately wishing for quiet... For solitude to release this pain... These aching tears. Craving the numbness following the catharsis... To let the exhaustion pull me under... To drift silently in the inky blackness.

My heart aching Body echoing with emptiness. Crystal tears coursing slowly  From green pools of regret. Why must I curse whatever I  touch? My smile a beautifully spun web  coated in sparkling drops of misery Drawing the unfortunate victim of my desire forward  for a plague-laced touch.  My husky laughter,  A fog of silent venom Slowly eating away at your life. My embrace a hidden briar’s nest Slowly tearing you apart. My love, mon amour? The kiss of death to your dreams. Living with the knowledge in my heart,  That I should be locked away... Knowing that the greatest danger to the one I love, Is myself.